Navy Humor & Jokes

Three men are sitting stiffly side by side on a long commercial
  flight. After they’re airborne and the plane has leveled off, the man in the
  window seat abruptly says, distinctly and confidently, in a loud
  voice,” Admiral, United States Navy, retired. Married, two sons, both
  surgeons.”
  After a few minutes the man in the aisle seat states through a tight
  lipped smile, ” Admiral , United States Coast Guard, retired.
  Married, two sons, both Judges.”
  After some thought, the fellow in the center seat decides to introduce
  himself. With a twinkle in his eye he proclaims,  “Master Gunnery
  Sergeant, United States Marine Corps, retired. Never married, two
  sons, both Admirals.”
  ——————————————————————————–

During training exercises, the Ensign who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another jeep stuck in the mud with a red-faced Lt. Commander at the wheel. ‘Your jeep stuck, sir?’ asked the Ensign as he pulled alongside. ‘Nope,’ replied the Lt. Commander, coming over and handing him the keys, ‘Yours is.’
  ———————————————————-
  Having just moved into his new office, a pompous new Navy Captain was sitting at his desk when a seaman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the captain quickly picked up the phone, told the seaman to enter, then said into the phone, ‘Yes, Admiral, I’ll be seeing him this afternoon and I’ll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir.’ Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, ‘What do you want?’ ‘Nothing important, sir,’ the young sailor replied, ‘I’m just here to hook up your  telephone.’
  ———————————————————-
  Officer: ‘Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?’
  Sailor: ‘Sure, buddy.’
  Officer: ‘That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it
  again! Do you have change for a dollar?’
  Sailor: ‘No, SIR!’
  ———————————————————-
 A Navy Master Chief and an admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.  The admiral shouted, “Hey, don’t put that stuff on me! My wife will think I’ve been in a whorehouse!” The Master Chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on me.  My wife doesn’t know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”
  ———————————————————-
  “Well,’ snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered seaman, ‘I
  suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you’ll just be waiting
  for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!’ the seaman replied. ‘Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

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It’s the Spring of 1957 and a sailor goes to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl’s father answers and invites him in. “Carrie’s not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?,” he says.

“That’s cool” says the sailor.

Carrie’s father asks the sailor what they’re planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie’s father responds “why don’t you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it.”

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor, so he asks Carrie’s Dad to repeat it.

“Yeah,” says Carrie’s father, “Carrie really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”

Well, this just made the sailor’s eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind
her, and screams at her father:

” DAMMIT DADDY! IT’S CALLED THE TWIST!!!”

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A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later and suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest hospital, which happened to be a U.S. Naval Hospital.

His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. The lead on the medical staff at the naval hospital, that night, was a Chief Corpsman, in the emergency room. The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?”

 The Chief replied, “It’ll keep the sheet off his legs.”

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An explosion last week killed a wild-living navy boilerman and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.

“You like this?”, Satan asked.

“Yes, sir”, said the sailor, “this feels like a spring day to me.” Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn’t even broken a sweat.

“I like this kind of weather”, he told Satan.

For the next few days in a row, Satan again turned up the heat, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. By last Sunday, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off. Icicles formed in the sailor’s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated!

“Why are YOU so happy?” he demanded from the sailor. “It’s FREEZING in here!”

“Well, I`m from Denver,” said the sailor. “and evidently the Broncos just won the Super Bowl!”

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  Five cannibals were employed by the Navy as translators during one of the island campaigns during World War II. When the Commanding Admiral of  the task force welcomed the cannibals he said, “You’re all part of our team now. We will compensate you well for your services, and you can eat any of the rations that the Sailors are eating. So please don’t indulge  yourselves by eating a Sailor.”

The cannibals promised.

 Four weeks later the Admiral returned and said, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our Chiefs has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?” The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the Admiral left, the leader of the cannibals turned to the others and said, “Which of you idiots ate the Chief?” A hand raised  hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replied, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating Ensigns, Lieutenants, Lieutenant Commanders, Commanders,  and even one Captain and no one noticed anything, then YOU had to go and eat a Chief!”

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How To Simulate Being A Sailor

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for six
months.
   
2. Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.
   
3. Repaint your entire house every month.

4. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub
and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make
sure you turn off the water while you soap down.
    
5. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

6. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the
wind carries the soot onto your neighbor’s house. Ignore his complaints.

7. Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble
them.

8. Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back
doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass
through them.

9. Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

10. On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater
temperature up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water
heater off. On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much
water during the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

11. Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can’t turn
over without getting out and then getting back in.

12. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a 
curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you
go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say “Sorry, wrong
rack.”

13. Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -
dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc. Re-qualify every 6 months.

14. Have your neighbor come over each day at 0500, blow a whistle so
loud Helen Keller could hear it, and shout “Reveille, reveille, all
hands heave out and trice up.”

15. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she’s going to do the
following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 0600 
while she reads it to you.

16. Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to
leave your house before 1500.

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway
three times a day, whether it needs it or not. (Now sweepers, sweepers,
man your brooms, give the ship a clean sweep down fore and aft, empty
all sh**cans over the fantail.)

18. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your
magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to you.

19. Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night.
Have your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different
one- the same one very night.

20. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone
shouting that your home is under attack and ordering them to their
battle stations. (Now general quarters, general quarters, all hands man
your battle stations.)

21. Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the
pantry or refrigerator.

22. Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are
having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour.  When
they  finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but
they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the
menu and  just ask for hot dogs.

23. Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes
unevenly.  Spread icing real thick to level it off.

24. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and
jelly sandwich on stale bread. (midrats)

25. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the
alarm, jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your 
top shirt button and tuck your pants into  your socks. Run out into the
backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

26. Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout “Man
overboard port side!” Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

27. Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don’t plug
them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front
of the stove, and speak into the paper cup “Stove manned and ready.”
After an hour or so, speak into the cup again “Stove secured.” Roll up
the headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

28. Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand
at the podium for 4 hour intervals.   Best done  when the weather is
worst. January is a good time.

29. Next time there is a bad thunderstorm in your area, find the biggest
horse you can, lay a two inch mattress on his back, strap yourself to it
then turn him loose in a dark barn for six hours, then get up and go to
work.

30. For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room,
and  run it all day long.

31. Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds
per pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

32. Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep
shears.

33. Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

34.  Add 1/3 cup of Diesel fuel to the laundry.

35.  Take hourly readings on your electric and water meters.

36. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the
scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and drink
beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

37. Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them
that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney
World for “liberty.” At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip to
Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an
inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house. 

- Contributed by LT. Larry Dugan

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The  Navy Chief noticed a new seaman and barked at him, “Get over  here! What’s your name sailor?” “John,”  the new seaman replied. “Look,  I don’t know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they’re  teaching sailors in boot camp nowdays, but I don’t call anyone  by his first name,” the chief scowled. “It breeds  familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I  refer to my sailors by their last names only; Smith, Jones,  Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me  as ‘Chief’. Do I make myself  clear?” “Aye,  Aye Chief!” “Now  that we’ve got that straight, what’s your last  name?”

The  seaman sighed. “Darling, My name is John Darling,  Chief.”

“Okay,  John, here’s what I want you to do  …..”

- Contributed by LT. Larry Dugan

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The Early Retirement Bonus!!!!

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early
retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement
a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any
Two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be. The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the
top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and
walked out with a bonus of$72,000. The second officer who accepted was a
little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched
hands to his toes. He walked Out with $96,000. The third one was a
noncommissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would
like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to
reconsider,explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers
had received. But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with
him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer. The Medical
Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ‘em,’which he did. The
medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie
and began to work back. “Dear Lord!”, he suddenly exclaimed, ”Where are
your testicles?” The old Chief calmly replied, ” Vietnam”

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Never Trust a Sailor

A  beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that  she decided to end her life by throwing herself into  the ocean.

But  just before she could throw herself from the docks, a  handsome young man stopped her “You have so much to  live for,” said the man.

 ”Look, I’m a sailor, and  we’re off to Europe tomorrow, and I can stow you away  on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”
 
With  nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had  always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. 

That night the sailor brought her aboard and  hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he  would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her  until dawn.

Three weeks later she was  discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. 

“What are you doing here?” asked the captain. 

“I have an arrangement with one of the  sailors,” she replied. “He brings food and I get a  free trip to Europe.”

“I see,” the captain  says.

“Plus,” she adds, “He’s screwing me.” 

“He certainly is,” replied the captain. “This  is the Staten Island Ferry.”